I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
Just saw a man in a wheel chair using his feet to push himself backwards through a crosswalk... good morning Atlanta
I'm gonna play a drinking game called "Sarah takes the train"
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
Get here now. This is going to be possibly my most dangerous idea ever, and I'm the guy who challenged a hobo to a breakdance fight.
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
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