It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
That's how pantless uber rides happen
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
Randomize
