You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
I just googled the nutrition facts for a mcgriddle and yet I still want to go to mcdonalds
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
Is it day drinking when the suns up like when does that start
asking for a friend
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
Randomize
