Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
yep. it's official. for $40 they will let you lick the stripper pole.
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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