Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
its like think what a normal person would think but completely the opposite.
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
What changed your mind?
Being sober
I just had sex with the male version of myself. looks, mindset, even our boob to dick ratio was the same
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
