sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
woke up with withdrawal cold sweats this morning. spring break must really be over.
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
Yes, i finally made it. but let me tell you...i can smell myself right now in class right now, this scent is called alcoholism.
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
Randomize
