i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
& he told me 'I don't think ur a big slut-just kind of an average slut'
HE THINKS THATS A COMPLIMENT!!!!!
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
Idk. Each time I ask him about double teaming a woman with Dennis Rodman he just giggles. We will never know what to believe.
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
I mean...he danced with his dick still inside of me. What more could a girl ask for?
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
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