Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
She's helping me study for the final by writing the vocab words all over her body.
his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
girl is pretty boring. i'm gonna see if she'll let me finger her.
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
I have no clue how you survived last night but I applaud you. 21 body shots off 9 bodies in under four hours has to be a record.
Randomize
