He uses pillows to masturbate.
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
I need mimosas to revive my soul
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