I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
Some are given great drunkenness. Others have great drunkenness thrust upon them, in the form of ice storms.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
I woke up and my backpack was empty. He used me for sex, and back to school supplies.
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
Randomize
