How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
he just texted me two pictures of his dick. i feel i should rethink whatever vibe im obviously giving out
so is it as big as he says?
he put a tube of toothpaste next to it as a reference. it looks legit
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
They're not that bad of drunks, they come back to the vehicle with more stuff than they went in with, so its a profitable venture.
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
Randomize
