Was just hit on by a guy with 2 kids and one was named Rocky. I need to get out of Buena Park.
Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
that girl is introducing herself into your group of friends one dick at a time.
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
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