My milkshake brings 85 to 90 percent of the boys to the yard
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
he asked me to hangout with him...and his son
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
Haha holy fuck. i dont remember much after pissing on your ex's flaming nude pics.
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
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