yes because when i jack off the first person i think about is christina applegate
Is it weird i consider You Sexy Thing our song?
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
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