So im pretty sure the object of my emotional onterest is tired of playing with me....
It looked like if robin williams had a vagina
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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