I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
Nothing better than going to Mass on Easter Sunday with "I love penis" henna tattooed across your back. Love your Indian culture.
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
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