the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
just found out this city drinks more beer during oktoberfest than rhode island does in a year.. i'm never leaving
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
It was perfect I came I passed out in his comfortable bed then a glass of jack Daniels fell from the bed post and spilled all over my face
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
