Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
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