So does your leg always twitch violently when someone plays with your clitoris? Or has my ten years of piano playing finally paid off?
Me too. I'd like to spend all next summer high and drunk and riding ponies and boys.
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
It was like good, clean fun, but with bodyshots.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
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