Sorry, I have to go home and feed my nepotisms
Sorry, I can't talk, there's a herd of nepotisms headed my way
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
There were so few words spoken that I'm not sure if it was make-up or break-up sex.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
