please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
I'd be careful with that one, she got 86'd from the family dollar while SOBER.
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
Just fyi i'm now butt naked in a steam room smoking a bong in some guys house. i sense the weed penetrating my pores.
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