We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
have to get expensive furniture. after that study abroad now at least six things at ikea are named after guys i slept with
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
Well five day drinking adventure in appreciation of cinco de drinko under the belt, great way to start may
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
Randomize
