somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
If a girl is wearing Ed Hardy from head to toe, does that make her a douchebagette?
capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Randomize
