I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
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