youre lurking in front of me
so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
Randomize
