A hot woman with candy. This is what heaven is filled with
I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
you dont publicly announce someones alcholism over facebook. you dont out someone like that.
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
No one intentionally makes bad decisions, just errors in judgement. You have your boyfriend I have a restraining order from universal studios. It's all relative
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
If I die, sorry about rent.
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
Randomize
