I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
I un-blacked out around 7am watching J.lo videos on youtube
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
she looks like she scalped a horse for her weave
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
If it makes you feel any better they literally are drinking alcohol out of a toilet. They are serving drinks out of a nasty ass toilet...!
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
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