I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
I think most guys look at porn as a fallback career. I mean I know I do.
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
Just saw 30+ dicks. Explain later.
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
Do you knowwwwww you never ha to pee while lhr on eztacy
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
We are all done wearing pants today
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
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