More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
I've done nothing but whore my gay ex bf out for the past 48 hours. It's getting weird.
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize
