five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
I've blown a few things in my day
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
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