her vagina looked like bernie madoff
well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
Took the ex out to the bar, then left with her and her best friend....and you said this was a bad thing.
Randomize