She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
It's fun yes. But hard on the body. I woke up with her purse, socks and one of her shoes in my room. The other shoe was outside. What the fuck were we doing last night?
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
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