so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
I think I just need to sleep with both of them to see which I want to date.
You just went from promiscuous to slut in 3.2 seconds.
being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
i also took my stockings off in the bathroom and blew my nose with them in the cab ride home. james was appalled
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
Randomize
