I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
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