is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
In my opinion the party was fun, but i did A LOT of cocaine so my view was a little distorted......
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
Randomize
