I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
Randomize
