Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
Check Facebook. Random dude tagged us in photos from last night dancing at Denny's while eating a sampler platter. 1. How does he have our names, and 2. You said we ate at Tbell.
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
Randomize
