this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
Ran into him today. He apologized via facebook. sometimes I hate our generation
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
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