And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
I have yet found the courage to put pants on. No judgement thursday led to no shower friday and now no pants saturday. God i miss college.
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
Randomize
