I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
Its not alright that i make out with a manican.
had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
Your stories are the best. I feel like you're a spy among the heteros. It's not fair.
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
Randomize
