I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
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