in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
Randomize
