ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
so he came over for the first time and i completely forgot i had pictures of him printed out from facebook on my wall and a newspaper article with him in it.. you can guess that it lead for an awkward situation.
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
No. If I hated you would get none. Then I would eat them all in front of you and laugh at your tears. Although that hasn't been ruled out for entertainment purposes. Nothing purposeful.
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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