I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
he's a fucking beast. people that don't even know him have started calling him "puke and raleigh"
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
Randomize
