I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
Dude we got so high last night. I said "watch this" threw a goldfish cracker in the toilet, and laughed my ass off. We watched the dvd menu for 30 minutes too.
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
Does Jim keep sending you pics of him in drag too???? If so, are you also slightly uncomfortable?
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
Randomize
