3.50 mugs at the bar.
Nah man, im with an ugly chick. Im waiting til everyone's drunk enough tonight, they don't notice.
How ugly, and does she have friends?
if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
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