Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
Hot Italian guy literally came into my logic class just to get my number to study with me and left. America.
You're too morally constrained. I firmly believe that you should be less concerned with how young she is and more excited by the fact that she's not jailbait by virtue of a legal technicality.
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
am i the only one who finds it a little awkward seeing as we all made out last night?
Randomize
