he wouldnt have sex with me because his guild had a misson on world of warcraft.
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
Honestly the prospect of dick really lifts a girl's spirits
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