I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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