her nose should be used as a dorsal fin
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
Now back to adults eating hotdogs.
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
I’ve slept with a Senior, a Freshman and a Junior so far. I’m a Sophomore away from hitting for the cycle
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