Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
Just watched porn on a 60 inch plasma screen TV... So that's where the clitoris is
would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
Randomize
