One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
I heard moaning and ass slapping and sponge bob.
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
So I hung out with an australian but woke up with a British man in my bed does that make me culturalized
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
If he isn’t into CosPlay he will be after tonight. That naughty nurse outfit heals broken hearts
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