Seriously, stop being so datable w your movie/song prefs
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
Randomize
