My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
we sixty- nined on a tennis court.. not even drunk. you say insane. i say creative genius.
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
Randomize
