dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
It smelt so bad when i tried biting off her underwear that i didn't want to touch with my mouth
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
Randomize
