my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.
I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
It's ok for me to have his baby but I can't be his friend on fb. Wth is wrong with this
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
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