I like my sex mixed with concussions.
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
So squirting runs in the family.
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
Randomize
