help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
Do you think girls in gamma phi sit around and think about how much they suck?
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules.
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Randomize